God revealed to me last year through a woman at my church that I was dealing with bitterness and unforgiveness. She also told me that it was connected to my sickness. I was so desperate to find relief from my disease I tried my best to think of everything. I can say I felt some relief shortly after that took place. But of course, with any sin, the temptation to invite it back into our lives will come again. Soon enough that opportunity came.

For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart. Hebrews 4:12

The last few months I’ve been praying for God to search my heart and reveal to me things I need to change. Get ready whenever you utter those words to God. If it’s a sincere prayer, He will answer it, and He did. It wasn’t long after that I began to deal with so much anger. I had no idea where it was coming from. I think that damaged side of the garden was starting to take over the “healthy” part. The part that I thought I had a handle on. As I said before, it always comes back to take over, along with plans to destroy.

So it was the very end of September when the Lord began to tug at my heart. I went back and found things I had written down during my devotion and boy am I glad I write things down sometimes. That’s the beauty of putting your thoughts, personal revelations, and prayers to paper. You have it forever. I prayed a prayer that read God You see me, and you know my heart. Search me! Create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit in me. See if there be any wicked way in me. Reveal to me the genuine contents of my heart. I had no idea that after praying that prayer that God would indeed reveal the contents of my heart. Things that I would later find weren't pretty. As God began to take me on a tour of my garden I was shocked to unearth places that I hadn't allowed His love to enter. I had let bitterness to take up a little back corner, and I hadn't realized how much damage it had caused. We found that unforgiveness and hurt were there too. I had many days and nights where I cried out to God to heal me. It wasn't until I had a breaking moment where I was in desperate need of God's grace where I finally saw how grace works.

I began October knowing that I needed God to do serious work in my heart. So it was a few weeks ago when God decided to show me great grace. In that experience, I saw how I should, in turn, treat others. I messed up big time. Hurt those that loved me, and I honestly didn’t even have a good enough reason. They showed me so much grace that particular day and I couldn’t help but weep. I was so undeserving of the mercy I received, I felt ashamed, yet there was grace begging me to take hold of it. At that moment I realized that’s how God wants us to treat others. He doesn’t hold on to our mess ups or taunt us with what we’ve done in our past. No, he gently erases them and forgives. I had to call a few people and ask for forgiveness. I had mistreated them due to my hurt. When you experience God’s grace in its full effect, you just begin to see everything so different. Don’t leave that place, its the most peaceful position to be in. A place where you look at others shortcomings and think nothing of it, but you just remember the grace God has shown you. When you’re in it, there is no room for the self-righteous attitudes us Christians can so oftentimes adopt. I had to realize that in my constant plight not to be judgmental and not be associated with self-righteous Christians I indeed had become one. I judged people who thought they were better than others. Yes, I felt entitled to feel that way, but I was still passing judgment nonetheless. My anger was coming from a place of hurt; it wasn’t righteous indignation at all. I hadn’t allowed God to heal a part of my heart that was broken by people who were supposed to be my brother and sister. I still loathe people who don’t behave like Christians, but I knew I had to take care of that hurt in my heart first. It’s so easy to secretly rejoice when “karma” rears its ugly head in the lives of our enemies. Yes, what you reap is what you will sow. But remember that when you’re allowing bitterness to come into your heart to set up shop. Bitterness will take up the back half of your garden without you even realizing it, sow seeds that will slowly begin to destroy the rest of your garden. I don’t care how healthy you are; it will kill you.

So when I first began writing this, I kept envisioning a garden. I always use the garden as a metaphor for my life and heart. It grows, it blooms, things die, and the cycle continues. But there comes a time when a good cleaning and weeding out is in order; that’s precisely what October has been for me. I later told my mom that I felt very strongly in prayer that God wanted me to write about my experience and I shared the thought about the cleaning out of the garden. I’ve never had a garden, so I had no idea that the fall was the perfect time to clean and get ready for the spring!

I’ve included some pictures of our family friend Jeanine’s garden! She’s moving away to Michigan, so I’m glad I got to capture some shots of the garden she’s worked so hard on.

I’m not on the expert on the steps on what it takes to grow a garden, but after talking to a few experienced gardeners and doing some research, they agreed that fall garden cleanup can make spring gardening a treat instead of a chore. Garden clean up can also prevent pests, weed seeds and diseases from overwintering and causing problems when temperatures warm. I remember watching my mom and dad do little things throughout the year and had no idea what they were doing. My mom has always loved the outside, so whenever she gets a chance to tend to her little patch out in front of the house, she’s happy!

We can’t grow if there are things hidden in our hearts. There are issues of the heart that need addressing and brokenness that needs mending. God desires for us to have beautiful and fruitful gardens. In my search, I found one garden expert that said the reason why its so vitally essential to clean before the winter is because of the potential problem pests and disease that it would bring. “When you rake up old leaves and debris, you are removing a hiding place for overwintering insects and pests.” When I heard those words, I cringed at how accurate this was in the spiritual. God is the master creator, so much of what we see in the natural also relates to the spiritual, it's incredible! If you don’t do a daily examination along with God’s word, accompanied by prayer, there will continue to be things that hide and take up residence in our lives. We can’t grow this way. I think it's becoming abundantly clear to me as days go on how desperate in need of a Savior I am. I’m no good on my own; I can’t tend to my own garden, He makes things new and beautiful every day.

The Secret Garden